best of bash

DragonflyBlade21: A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.

tatclass> YOU ALL SUCK DICK
tatclass> er.
tatclass> hi.
andy\code> A common typo.
tatclass> the keys are like right next to each other.

anamexis> oh man
anamexis> I was opening a coke, right
- Beefpile (~mbeefpile@cloaked.wi.rr.com) has joined #themacmind
anamexis> and it exploded
anamexis> ALMOST all over my keyboard
anamexis> but I got it away just in time
- Beefpile has quit (sick fuckers)
anamexis> :<> The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?

i8b4uUnderground> d-_-b
BonyNoMore> how u make that inverted b?
BonyNoMore> wait
BonyNoMore> never mind

Rabidplaybunny87: Okay, so my neighbors officially hate me
GarbageStan23: why?
Rabidplaybunny87: Well, me, david and andrew were having a bonfire in the backyard, and we were making s'mores and all... and suddenly we here sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us.
Rabidplaybunny87: So we all went running to see what was up, and our neigbor's house was on fire!
GarbageStan23: oh shit!
Rabidplaybunny87: Yeah, and when we got there, the wife was crying into her husbands arms, and we were just kinda standing there, and then she saw us, and then like for 10 seconds, gave us the dirtiest look ever
Rabidplaybunny87: Turns out, we were still holding our sticks with marshmallows on it, watching the fire....
Rabidplaybunny87: talk about bad timing...

jeebus> the "bishop" came to our church today
jeebus> he was a fucken impostor
jeebus> never once moved diagonally

tag> Ouroboros: lets play Pong
Ouroboros> Ok.
tag> | .
Ouroboros> . |
tag> | .
Ouroboros> . |
tag> | .
Ouroboros> | .
Ouroboros> Whoops

Eticam> I was in biology class once, and the teacher said there was sugar in sperm
Eticam> And a girl asked why doesn't it taste sweet then
Eticam> When she realised what she said her face became red like a spanked monkey ass
Eticam> Then the teacher said, because you taste sweetness with the front of your tongue, not the part of your tongue back in your throat
Eticam> The girl started crying and left class ^^

Fashykekes> Capitalization is the difference between "I had to help my uncle Jack off a horse.." and "I had to help my uncle jack off a horse.."

cassius_clay13> so I was with my friend bryan the other night in a bar
cassius_clay13> well he got really drunk and said he was gonna puke
cassius_clay13> so i helped him walk to the toilet
cassius_clay13> all the stalls were occupied
emoti_conartist> lol
cassius_clay13> bryan is a rugby player... so a big guy
cassius_clay13> so he fucking KICKS one of the stall doors open
cassius_clay13> and there's this guy in there taking a shit
emoti_conartist> hahahahahaha
cassius_clay13> and bryan throws up ALL OVER HIM
cassius_clay13> then (this is genius) bryan thinks 'oh shit... if i were taking a shit and someone came in and was sick all over me, i'd want to fuck him up... so i'd better hit him first'
cassius_clay13> so he fucking SMACKS this guy in the face
cassius_clay13> and runs away
cassius_clay13> imagine being that guy... WORST NIGHT OUT EVER

random girl: hey!
me: ...hi?
me: who is this?
random girl: Jessica, I saw u on myspace
random girl: ur hot
me: thanks
random girl: np
me: this girl keeps bugging me, but I don't want to talk to her
me: what should I do?
random girl: make up sum excuse, like ur mom is kickin u off or sumthing
me: oh alright
me: I have to go
me: my mom is kicking me off

Toller> hey jaimer
jaimer> hey
Toller> i loves you sweet ass, baby
jaimer> excuse me?
Toller> we gonna get together an fuck tonight
Toller> right?
jaimer> You stupid shit
Toller> ?
Toller> What?
jaimer> This is toby johnson, right
Toller> you know it is, duh.
jaimer> I'm doing tech support on Jamie's computer
jaimer> I'm her father, you little shit
Toller> hah!
Toller> what's
Toller> your joking right/
jaimer> I am. I know where you live. I'm coming over to your house now. Don't try to run, I'll find you.
Toller> Jamie, it's not funny
Toller> Jaime?
psmylie> You're screwed, dude. Her dad's psycho
Toller> fuck
Toller> Fuck!
psmylie> best run, boy
** Toller has quit IRC (Quit: )
psmylie> You're an evil bitch, Jamie.
jaimer> lol
psmylie> brilliant... but evil
jaimer> he's an asshole anyways

gentoogod: omg dude
gentoogod: today i might the stupidest 3 people i ever met
gentoogod: thier 3 brains combined couldnt solve the dilemma they faced today
siral21: what was it
gentoogod: ok before i say this
gentoogod: 100% true, not one second of a lie
gentoogod: this lady went into mcdonalds today and ordered a big mac for her
gentoogod: and ordered 2 mcgrittles one for each kid. one had bacon one without
gentoogod: her sons are around 18 or 19 so not infants
gentoogod: she went to the counter furious cause the son that wanted bacon has no bacon on his and the one that didnt want bacon has bacon on his
gentoogod: i fell on the floor beside her and couldnt stop laughing
gentoogod: so i finally stood up and asked her to repeat, thinking maybe shes drunk
gentoogod: i swear to god she looked at me straight faced and repeated it. and her 2 sons were beside her mad that they didnt get the order they wanted

evilada>: Best suicide plan ever
mcm310>: what is it?
evilada>: you go up to the top of a roof
evilada>: string piano wire tight across the front edge at neck level
evilada>: tie a cord to your foot and the other end to the building so that you'll be above sidewalk level when its fully stretched
evilada>: then you put super glue on your hands
evilada>: and put your arms around the front of the wire and then back to touch your head
evilada>: then you lean forward, so the piano wire cuts your neck but not your elbows
evilada>: when the cord goes taut, youll be hanging upside down with no head....except your head will be in your outstretched arms thanks to gravity and the glue, staring at someone upside down and spewing blood everywhere.
evilada>: And some poor bastard will be traumatized for LIFE.
mcm310>: i dont think i can be your friend anymore

acidwar> last night, tony and I decided to stop off on the way to the party to get some beer
acidwar> we come out of the shop a few minutes later and there's a parking guy writing a ticket
acidwar> tony goes up to him and asks him what the ticket's for, parking guy explains that the car is parked in a no standing zone
acidwar> tony starts abusing him and tells him to cram it up his ass, so the guy writes a ticket for abusing him
Nuzzler> haha
acidwar> so tony gets up him even more, and every time he says something the guy writes another ticket
acidwar> 14 tickets later, the guy gives up and walks off
dendyh0> ...
acidwar> and we both PISS ourselves laughing as we walk back to tony's car around the corner, leaving some poor bastard with 14 parking fines :D
dendyh0> AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Nuzzler> ROFL!!

Thumb> do you know of any major organizations that are similar the CDC?
Lucent> who?
Thumb> center for disease control
Lucent> i said WHO
Thumb> what? i'm asking you
Lucent> World Health Organization

pihlopase> Jesus Saves
jbroome> pases to moses, SCOOOOORE

Galactic> you know what's ALWAYS bothered me? cold cereal mascots
Galactic> I mean that is just some FUCKED UP SHIT
Galactic> the Trix rabbit, for example
Galactic> I dunno man... if I were him I'd be fucking KILLING some kids
Galactic> I remember a commercial where the fuckin rabbit WENT INTO A FUCKIN STORE AND BOUGHT A BOX OF TRIX WITH HIS OWN FUCKIN MONEY.
Galactic> fuckin kids came outta NOWHERE and basically fuckin mug the poor stupid bitch rabbit
Galactic> "silly rabbit Trix are for kids"
Galactic> Fuckin rabbit just sits there and looks depressed.
Galactic> FUCK NO that wouldn't fly with me
Galactic> I'd have pimp-slapped EVERY ONE OF those fuckin bitches
Galactic> and made them go get me the REST of a "complete breakfast" and eat Trix right in front of them bitches and THEN beat the shit out of them some more.
Galactic> and wtf is with the disguises? All the dumb rabbit does is hide his ears and all of a sudden he's a fuckin kid?
Galactic> I dunno about you, but if I SAW a 6 foot fuckin RABBIT with his ears tucked under a baseball cap, I wouldn't immediately think
Galactic> "Hey, there's a cool lookin human kid, let me go over and share some of my cereal with him"
Galactic> NO.
Galactic> I'd be thinking
Galactic> "that's a 6 foot fuckin RABBIT with his ears tucked under a baseball cap... what the FUCK was I just smoking?"
Galactic> another thing... wtf is up with cereal being "A part of this complete breakfast"
Galactic> last time -I- checked, cereal WAS breakfast
Galactic> they show a big ass bowl of frosted flakes next to a waffle, a pancake, toast, a banana, a fuckin grapefruit... who the FUCK eats a breakfast that big
Flaming_Duck> not me
Flaming Duck> I don't even EAT breakfast nomore
Flaming_Duck> I mean, I eat when I get up
Flaming_Duck> but the whole thought "BREAKFAST IS ONLY SERVED UNTIL SUCH AND SUCH TIME"
FLaming_Suck> bitch, you make my fucking sausage and egg sandwich when I pay you the fucking money
Flaming_Duck> don't give me that shit.
Galactic> Back to stupid cereal mascots...
Galactic> Lucky Charms.
Galactic> FUCKING LUCKY CHARMS
Galactic> Lucky can turn the fucking MOON into a marshmallow, and he can't escape a bunch of fucking 6 year olds?!?!?
Galactic> C'mon now, Lucky.
Galactic> I KNOW your bitch ass has got to have a "Blow the fucking kids up" spell SOMEWHERE
Galactic> or make "kid marshamllows" and EAT those bitches.
Galactic> "They're after me Lucky Charms!"
Galactic> ....
Galactic> KILL THEM, BITCH!
Galactic> I dunno why I went off on this rant here
Galactic> it's just always bothered me."